Once, I was going down on this chick – really getting into it – using my tongue like a champion and my fingers like a pro. She was moaning and moaning and about to climax, but just before she does she queefs right into my mouth. I’ve been in this same situation before where a girl squirted right into my eyes and all over my face – talk about muff diving. I enjoyed every minute of both times – even the queefing and squirting part. I can admit that I am very good at going eating pussy…. very good. I can provide testimonials if you don’t believe me. Like I’ve mentioned before, I love eating pussy, but I mainly talked about how to teach a chick how to give great head – mainly for selfish reasons, because what guy doesn’t like to get great head? I also gave the advice that if you want to get more head, you’ll have to learn how to go eat pussy like a pro. You’ll have to learn out to eat pussy like Jack Gary.
Eating pussy or “cunnilingus” as it’s called in most professional fields is intimidating for most guys. Mostly because they don’t know what the hell they are doing. A lot of guys spend their whole lives getting terrible advice from other guys on how to go down on women. The tips and advice runs the gamut from writing the alphabet with your tongue on a woman’s clitoris to the age old adage, “one in the pink, two in the stink, and let your tongue do all the magic.” I would like to tell all you guys reading this that this is terrible advice and most of the advice you have been told thus far is completely useless. I’m sorry, but you might have to go back to the drawing board. And while you are there I would recommend pulling out an anatomy book. Take a look at how the female anatomy works and then think about how all the advice you’ve been given has been worthless. Having a better understanding of the female anatomy is important. Knowing where exactly the clitoris is and it’s relation to the actual vagina opening and even where the g-spot is, is all incredibly crucial in giving a woman great head. But while all of this research is great, it’s also important to get first hand advice – from a woman. You will never know what feels good until you’ve tried it out with a woman. Guys don’t have the same anatomy as women – so how would they know exactly what feels good and what doesn’t. And more than this, lady parts are much more complicated than a dong and pair of balls.
Once I was with a woman who gave me the best advice anybody could give me. It’s advice that I use today and has worked every single time. There hasn’t been one woman who after going down on her hasn’t said to me, “Wow, where the hell did you learn that?” In my more formative years I fell pray to same ubiquitously terrible advice. That was until I met a young sex goddess who happened to sit next to me on a plane while I was taking the red eye somewhere I can’t remember. She had a dark, gothic ambience about her. She wore leather and when she sat next to me on the plane I could tell that a full-fledged sex freak would be within inches to me for the duration of the plane flight. I noticed that she was wearing these sexy black tights and had a garter belt that snuck up under a short black skirt. Her legs were incredibly sexy. I couldn’t help stare at them through my sunglasses hoping that she wouldn’t notice. Perhaps it was my general vibe, but she started talking to me. Everyone knows that it is incredibly rare for a hot chick to actually sit next to you on a plane, but when it does happen you want to take full advantage of the opportunity. She told me she was a dominatrix from New York City going to visit a client. I told her I was writer and I had a lot of ambitions. When the flight was over we stood up together and I realized she was a good foot taller than me. I was even more turned on. I asked her if she wanted to get a cup of coffee when we got off the plane, but she suggested that I come back to her hotel room.
When we get back to her hotel room, it was plainly obvious that we were skipping coffee. She said that she want to practice with a few of her new toys before her client came by later that night. Something about breaking in the leather, but I told her I wasn’t completely interested in the dominatrix thing right away. She was incredibly pissed that I turned her down – the way a sexy dominatrix gets pissed. I told her sure why not, lets do the dominatrix thing. So she went into the back room and brought a few things with her. When she came out she was wearing a very tight leather bustier, some kind of police hat, a whip and no panties – full muff action. She asked me to get to work and with a crack of her whip I was in her crotch going at it. This was not one hour after getting off the plane and not 15 minutes after we entered her hotel room. I was either in a world of pain or a world of pleasure. It was up to fate to decide that, but what I got was something else entirely: a valuable lesson on how to eat pussy like a pro. She was moaning no doubt and cracking her whip, but she finally stops me and asks me what the fuck I’m doing. I told her what I was doing, but what I was thinking was: isn’t obvious what I’m doing? Then came that sinking feeling of insecurity and the dominatrix’s energy turned from sexy to disapproving. All she said to me was, “Lick the player in the dug out.” What she meant by this was: focus your tongue exclusively on the clit.
It was a revelatory moment indeed, because I realized I was doing it all wrong before. I realized I was eating pussy before like a dog that hasn’t had water in days. I was licking and slopping this way and that way. With the dominatrix’s help, I started to narrow my tongue in on the clit. Why would I lick anywhere else? What’s the point of writing the alphabet with your tongue, when you can make little tiny cylindrical motions? The dominatrix also told me that while I am focusing on the clit with my tongue, I should also know what to do with my hands too and that I shouldn’t just let them dangle there. While I had my face buried in her twat, she told me to start with one finger and then another and slowly massage her g-spot – which is just under the entrance of the vagina. This is when the dominatrix laid back let me do the work. I felt like I was getting the hang of it. She cracked her whip a few more times, but soon she just succumbed to the pleasure and held on to the bed. After a very loud orgasm it was over. Under her tutelage and a few more lessons I soon became a pro.
Because that’s the best thing about being a muff diving pro, you don’t need a lot of practice. You just need to know what to do with your tongue and your fingers. The practical applications of eating pussy like a pro are endless. Give a girl amazing head on a first date and she won’t stop coming back for more. Give a girl amazing head just before sex and the sex will be that much better, because she’ll be dripping wet. Give you girlfriend head and immediately end a fight. The opportunities are endless. I’m convinced that muff diving is the secret to peace on earth, but that could just be me.
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