Wednesday 27th March 2019,
Jack Gary

Jack Gary’s Top Ten Dating Tips To Get You Laid On a First Date

Many guys don’t really know what to do when they go on dates. I’ve heard so many horror stories from the women I’ve boinked about dates from hell that I’m surprised anybody gets laid anymore. Yet, a date is a little bit like a stepping stone between meeting a chick and then getting to fuck her. If you slip and fall on the date, even the slutty girl won’t sleep with you. One small slip up and your meat curtain window is closed for the night. So, I thought I’d share my ultimate guide to going on dates with girls that will guarantee at least a knob job by the end of the night.

  • First, you have to know how to dress. You can’t dress like a douche that looks like they just got their paycheck and went to the mall to get a fancy outfit. Moreover, you can’t wear any bright colors. You don’t want to look like Sean Puffy Combs and an Easter egg exploded to create one tacky unmentionable entity. You want to wear neutral colors. The reason for this is because eventually you want her to start thinking about fucking you, so you don’t want your shitty outfit to distract her. 
  • Next, always be 15 minutes late to pick her up. This is a dick move, but you don’t want her to think you are a desperate schmendrick. Through out the night you also want to plant little psychological IEDs that explode once and while and make her want to have sex with you. Being a giant dick and showing up late is one of these devices. If you are a stickler for punctuality, practice being late a few times before you pick her up. 
  • Always pick her up in a nice car. There are only about 4 to 5 car makes and models you should be picking her up in, but whatever you do make sure it has leather seats and is not more than 3 years old. You also want the car to smell good and not like a rotting tub of lard that is sweating profusely from nervousness (yes, I’m talking about you). If you need to borrow your friend’s car or rent one, do so – it’s a matter of pussy or death if you don’t. You also want to make sure the temperature is just right – not too hot and not too cold. If you want to make it look like your car, hang up a freshly pressed shirt so it looks like you just went to the cleaners. 
  • You also never want to honk, use a bullhorn, or camp out for too long when you get to her house. Get out of your car like a regular person – just like you would if you were going to the bank. Then walk right up to her door and ring the doorbell. Be assertive and announce your presence.  Also, never go inside – this will create a strange psychological barrier issue that will make things awkward. It is unexplainable, but just don’t do it. 

Jack Gary’s Top Ten Dating Tips To Get You Laid on a First Date

  • When it comes to restaurants always make sure to have 3 to 4 options. Make sure the options are completely different kinds of food from different regions. The key here is to have diversity and have her choose what kind of food she likes. For one, you won’t risk the possibility that she won’t like a certain restaurant. Also, this is another psychological IED you are planting. The trick is to make reservations at three different restaurants far in advance. When she chooses a restaurant and you call to confirm your reservation you will look like a certified baller. 
  • Another important step is to study the menus before you get there. I do this anyways, because I don’t like to wait around when I get to a restaurant. I like to eat, get it over with and then get nasty in bed. However, when you are going on a date, knowing all the options will also give you something to talk about in the car. Make sure you know the basics, like what some of the starters or entrees are and even good dishes and things to eat with wine. If you really want to impress her, you will call the restaurant before hand and study the specials. 
  • Here is another psychological IED: when you finally get to your table, make sure to let her have the booth, but if she takes a chair, be sure to pull it out for her and help her scoot in, and while you are doing this, ever so lightly touch her shoulders so she feels your hands on her body. This will cause a few electrical switches to go off in her mind and she’ll be thinking about your hands on her all night. It will also loosen things up and make dinner conversation much easier. 
  • When it comes to dinner, make sure she orders whatever she wants. In the old days, it was chivalrous to order for her, but it’s the 21st century and that is embarrassing now. And because I don’t like the whole drinking and sex combination, which messes with the natural order of things, and because guys drinking beer at nice restaurants looks trashy, I always order an ice water or a sparkling water. Unless you will be fucking in a tent later that night, water is all you should really be drinking. You don’t want anything to interfere or make things awkward. 
  • Always, always, always order dessert. This will get the pleasure centers going. 
  • Lastly, but definitely not least, always invite her back to your place to “chill.” Clearly state a purpose as to why you want her to come over, because it will make her feel more at ease and will make her want to go back to your spot. Moreover, you always want to be on your own turf – it will give you the upper hand. If you live in a series of refugee camps, maybe you shouldn’t take her back to your place, but this is the only rare exception. And you won’t need any camp out activities, because you will have a roof over you head. But be sure to clean up before you head over. Just like you washed your balls and ass, your bed should be made and your computer shouldn’t be open to porn. 
  • Okay, here is a bonus. When you are in the car ride back, don’t say a word to her. Just start touching her legs and if she is moaning or getting into it, move up to her chest. The car ride back is the perfect place to get her nice and hot. She’ll be ripping your clothes off before you get to your door. Wait, I mentioned paying the bill at the restaurant, right? Always pay the bill. 
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