Friday 15th December 2017,
Jack Gary

The Funniest Thing That Ever Happened In Dallas

The Funniest Thing That Ever Happened In Dallas

Whenever I make my way through Dallas, Texas I end up having the most insanely fun time and I always hook up with the hottest chicks. Yet, it is always one of the most surreal experiences. In Dallas I will undoubtedly find myself in some sort of situation where I either think I am going to get killed or go to prison, or both. It’s just a general feeling I have when I’m down in the Lone Star State.

Best of all, Texas has some of the most sexy women. Either it’s because of the weather, good genes or some other unknown force of a nature, but no place on earth has more gorgeous women. It really is a mystery to me. I used to do these kinds of road trips to the south when I was younger just to get it on with the insanely hot women, but now I always fly – first class. And the great thing is that these girls don’t even know they are hot, so they don’t have the same complexes as city girls do. Maybe it’s a little of the Kentucky fried theory, where it’s a mixture of a mystery spice and meat that makes them so damn hot. Also, you’ve got three types of guys: the sex offender, the rich guy whose daddy own an oil field, and the ass backward hick. So you’ve really got a good ratio working in your favor.

Once I was in Dallas for a seminar. It was another boring law school thing, but I really wanted an opportunity to head down to the south to score some quality poontang. Plus, the gentleman’s club scene in Dallas is truly incredible. It is a known fact that the strip clubs in Dallas feature some of the finest women on the planet. The first time I went to Dallas I had hooked up with a few strippers that were staying at this really swank hotel and it was a glorious experience. All blonde, all shaved and all natural – just like I like it. This particular time I was staying at one of the shittiest Dallas hotels, but it didn’t matter to me, I was still going to get my dick wet.

One night I decided to hit the strip clubs. Let’s put the strip club scene in Dallas into perspective: you’ve got your menu full of dollar vodka drinks and margaritas that come out of a can, you’ve got your obsessive compulsive “stage hands” collecting stray dollars, you’ve got your alcoholic regulars taking down shot glasses like it’s medicine, you’ve got your jocks who you can’t tell if they are their to watch the game on the plasma screen or watch the naked women literally spreading their junk all over you like its butter.

Most of these women are actually quite respectable. They are not like Las Vegas strippers. Most of these girls are just paying their way through nursing school and not trying to support their boyfriend’s meth habit. They have an amazing girl next-door look that really brings them to life. They don’t look like they need to be rescued from a dungeon and fed B12 vitamins until the color comes back to their face. There is something about girls with big tits – natural tits – that makes them look healthy and fuckable. One night I met the most healthy and fuckable chick at the club. She was blonde, had gorgeous double Ds and was surprisingly going to school part time in Chapel Hill to become a lawyer.

We met not while she was giving me a lap dance, but when we bumped into each other as she was getting on stage and I was trying to leave. We talked after her set and ended. We hit it off. I told her that I needed to get some rest, but she gave me an invite for something she was doing the next night. It was a monster truck show.

The next night I headed to the show and it was everything you’d expect to see at a monster truck show: enormous trucks flattening other trucks, a surprising lack of teeth in the audience, and lot of beers being handed around with nobody claiming particular ownership. It definitely wasn’t some Nintendo Monster Truck madness version of a monster truck show – it was the real deal. It turned out that the stripper was moonlighting as one of those girls that holds up a sign each time a new monster truck driver came out to do his show. After the show we hung out under the bleachers, which seemed like a very southern thing to do. I remember thinking: if I was going to have sex with the girl I needed to act fast. So we went back to my hotel and have insanely rough, sweaty, amazing Texas sex. After we lied in each other’s arms for a good 45 minutes she laid it on me: her boyfriend is a notorious crime boss and the owner of almost every major strip club in Dallas.

I thought: oh shit, I’m dead for sure. I had the option of skipping down altogether, because I thought for sure there was going to be a Texas jihad against me. However, my dick had other plans. The next night I went back to the strip club just to see her one last time. I headed over there, watching my back at every turn. When I got there I noticed that her husband was indeed sitting at one of the booths doing some sort of paper work. I didn’t think he knew because I immediately saw the girl and she sat right down on my lap. She whispered in my ear that he didn’t know anything and wasn’t going to know anything. She also whispered in my ear to follow her to the back of the club.

We left through a back door to talk in the back parking lot. I was treading on thin ice. It was about 2 a.m. and about 90 degrees outside. Then we walked over to a Cadillac.  I could only imagine whose Cadillac it was. In a brazen and shocking move, she invited me to get inside. So I obliged, like an idiot. We were fooling around and it was getting pretty hot. Mind you, we’re in a mob boss’ car and I am fucking his wife. It was a death sentence.

All of a sudden, the worse happens: two of his cronies come outside and see us getting it on in the Cadillac. I was freaking out and she was laughing hysterically. The cronies went inside and to alert the boss. He came out and I jumped out of the car. I was sweating profusely. The he walked up to me really close, to the point where his lips are touching my ear. His breath smelled like whiskey and potato chips.

In the thickest southern drawl I have ever heard, he whispers in my ear: “I don’t mind, I’m gay – I just keep her as my wife to maintain appearances.” I was blown away by his admission and also relived. It was one of those feelings of relief that makes you want to curl up in a ball and go to sleep. He then asked me to act like I’m hurt when he pretended to punch me in the stomach and to look scared when he told me to never come back. That night, the girl came back to my hotel and we fucked a few more times before I skipped town. Wherever she is right now, she might just be fucking a complete stranger in her husband’s Cadillac and he is totally cool with it.

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